I won’t say that I
never thought I would live to see thirty.
It’s nothing that dramatic. I
just never thought I would be
thirty. For most of my life it was so
far off, like Mt. Everest. I’d heard of
Mt. Everest, even seen pictures of it. But,
I doubted I would ever be there. I just
never thought my name and the number would be in the same sentence, unless it
was, “An area man died this afternoon while
attempting to eat thirty ghost chilis after being bet that he could not. The man successfully ate a single pepper and
then drowned to death in his own tears.”
Thirty snuck up on
me. But, now it’s here and I recognize
the signs. So, I present to you the
things I have actually said in the recent past that assure me, if there was
ever any doubt, that I am thirty goddamn years old.
“Someone needs to tell that kid
to pull up his pants.” (Possibly directed at Justin Bieber)
(On a Friday night) “Babe, it’s
almost 9:30, what are we still doing up?”
“Babe, if we’re going to go to
the pool I need you to pluck my shoulder hairs.”
“If we go to the movies now
there won’t be any teenagers there.”
“People call this music? It doesn’t even have instruments in it!”
“I’m not going to the grocery store
unless we’ve organized our coupons.”
“If we make a big batch in the
crock pot, we’ll have enough oatmeal to last all week!”
