Saturday, 13 October 2012

Haunted Writing Clinic 4th draft (minor revisions)


I've made a few minor revisions based on the suggestions of the Minions and the awesome Courtney Young.  Thanks for all the help!

Dear Agent,
A strange, mournful wail trumpets from the nearby forest, disturbing eleven-year-old Andy Salazar’s imaginings of baseball games and monster movie marathons.  Accompanied by Rich, his wisecracking best friend, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed on the first day of summer to investigate.  Together, they unearth fragments of the town of Hamlin’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.
Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends endeavor to connect their discoveries to the town’s past.  Henry says a storm is coming, and the town elders look to the rumpled clouds with growing unease.  A mysterious murder, Hamlin’s first in decades, portends a series of baffling crimes.  Rumors swirl of a tattooed man and dog-faced boy stalking the streets.
 Hamlin is haunted by its secrets and time is running out. Andy must learn why the year 1934 is missing from the town’s history books, and how the buried artifacts connect to the bloodshed, the flood, and the elephant calls in the night.  With the help of his friends, Andy forces Hamlin to face its past and confront its restless dead.
The Last March of Elephants is a New Adult novel with coming of age and paranormal elements in the tradition of Stephen King’s It and Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life.  It clocks in at 90,000 words.  Although the protagonist and his friends are around eleven years old, the novel deals very much with adult themes.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

6 comments:

  1. Awesome Job!!!!!!! You've come such a long way in a week. I honestly don't have any more suggestions....I am going to send some ofher super villains over to see if I missed anything :) yay!

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    1. Thank you and thanks for your words of wisdom!

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  2. Uh, hello awesome query!
    Great improvements. Really:)
    Talynn

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    1. Thanks! Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. This query writing has been a blast!

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  3. I came late. Great story. If you want to keep hammering in it, you could look at the style suggest, put the most important things in the most important places. Make your first and last sentences of each paragraph have more emphasis. Same for sentences. Arrange them so the key idea comes a the end. It's picky, but every little thing helps.

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    1. Thanks for the input! I will take another look and pay attention to the sentences and arrangement.

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