Dear
Agent,
Andy Salazar returns home the evening of
the last day of sixth grade. His
father’s car is gone again and his mother likely went to bed early, sad and
angry. Still, there are books, baseball
games, and monster movie marathons before him. A sad, toneless wail erupts from the nearby forest, disturbing his pleasant thoughts. Accompanied by his wisecracking best friend, Rich, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed the next day to investigate. The boys are surprised to find Grace there, a
quiet, homeschooled girl from Rich’s neighborhood. Together, they begin to unearth fragments of
a small town’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.
Guided by the dapper dwarf known as
King Henry, Andy and his friends strive to connect their discoveries to
Hamlin’s past. Storm clouds gather and
the town elders look to the skies with something more than unease. Amid the tempest Hamlin’s first murder in
decades begins a trend of violence. The
floodwaters rise and Hamlin becomes a town haunted by its secrets. Rumors circulate about a tattooed man and a dog-faced boy walking the streets at night.
Andy finally learns why the year 1934 is missing from the town’s history
books and why King Henry and Grace seem to understand the chaos. With the help of his friends,
Andy forces Hamlin to face its past and confront its restless dead.
The
Last March of Elephants is
a New Adult novel with coming of age and paranormal elements in the tradition of Robert McCammon’s Boy’s
Life and Stephen King’s It. It clocks in at 90,000 words. Although the protagonist and his friends are
around eleven years old, the novel deals very much with adult themes. Thank you for your consideration.
Hello, fellow Super Villain here! I am neither super or villain-ish but here are my suggestions. It is nice to meet you!
ReplyDelete"Andy Salazar returns home the evening of the last day of sixth grade. His father’s car is gone again and his mother likely went to bed early, sad and angry. Still, there are books, baseball games, and monster movie marathons before him."
- Your first line should have some sort of hook. Right now, I feel like I am reading the beginning of your story. I would take these 3 sentences out completely and change them to something that draws the reader in. Set us up for something interesting!
Why not start it with...
"A sad, toneless wail erupts from the nearby forest, disturbing his pleasant thoughts."
But more with a hook so...
Instead of using 'toneless' why not describe this sound?
"A sad disembodied wail echos from the nearby forest interrupting Andy Salazar's thoughts of summer vacation. ((what kind of pleasant thoughts? I just sort of threw something in there! I don't think mentioning he just finished sixth grade is necessary, further down you give us his age.)
*Then continue on to the rest of the paragraph*
Accompanied by his wisecracking best friend, Rich, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed the next day to investigate. The boys are surprised to find a quiet home schooled girl from Rich’s neighborhood. Together, they begin to unearth fragments of a small town’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.
(I took out Grace's name. You don't want your reader to have to keep up with too many characters from the get-go.)
Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends strive to connect their discoveries to Hamlin’s past. (Who or what is Hamlin? Is it the name of the two? We find out later in the second paragraph, I think that is too late to introduce that you are talking about a town.)
Why not....
Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends strive to connect their discoveries to their small town's past. Storm clouds gather and the town elders look to the skies with something more than unease.
(Amid the tempest Hamlin’s first murder in decades begins a trend of violence.) This sentence is awkward to me.
Floodwaters rise and the town becomes haunted by its secrets. Rumors circulate about a tattooed man and a dog-faced boy walking the streets at night.
I think after you do some rewrites that your query will be much stronger. Remember to grab your reader and take out unnecessary fluff. I think the second paragraph needs the most work, maybe a smoother transition will solve that? Let me know if you have any questions!
Hi Courtney, thank you so much for your commentary! I do have a couple of questions for you. Like some of the other minions out there, I am struggling to contend with conflicting advice. My original query did not include some of the fluff about Andy, but I was advised that I needed to make him more sympathetic for the readers. Why would they care about this boy? So, I alluded to the fact that his parents were struggling but he still had much to look forward to that summer.
DeleteMy original first paragraph was a single sentence that read "Andy Salazar guides the bicycle along the pathway to his home, the last day of sixth grade a fading memory, and hears the strange, mournful wail slice through the darkness like a dull blade. " A few people liked the descriptions, while others suggested I substitute information about Andy for the imagery.
In your opinion, should I replace my first three sentences with my original sentence?
I don't think your previous sentence gives enough of a hook. It is wordy and not straight to the point. Sure the prose is pretty but we don't need to know that he is leaving 6th grade because you cover the characters age later in your query. Pull me in with your first sentence!! Give me something that I can't stop reading!
Delete"Andy Salazar guides his bicycle along the pathway to his home and hears a strange, mournful wail from the nearby forest." <---This makes me want to know more. The bicycle gives the reader an idea of his age.
Sometimes it is easier to write what you mean. All the extra in your old first sentence somewhat pulls the reader away. I think the narrative in this version is great but I don't think starting it off with that is as interesting as the other things you have going, especially not at the beginning. You have opportunities to add personality to your character but should we feel sorry for him?
Don't get me wrong, some fluff is good, having your character relate to the reader is awesome...but it has to fit well in your query and flow together with everything else. You will have to find where that place is. Hopefully I haven't confused you too much and this somewhat helps!
How about this.... Give me 3 of your most compelling beginning sentences ever. The opening sentence is the most important. Sell me on your whole book by just by that one opening sentence.
DeleteBTW: I think your story is interesting and something that I would read. Thought I would mention that. Seems like I have given nothing but pointers and no compliments and that is not my intention at all. You have a strong query foundation so lets build a structure!! I am trying to make my rounds back to the queries I have covered to answer any other questions but I am currently on a camping vacation so my replies may be late at night until I get back to my regular schedule! :)
You've given great advice so far! When I joined the Air Force several years ago I already had it in my head that I was a good writer. I was actually kind of cocky about it. Then I was confronted with "Air Force writing." This is a completely different animal. I was quickly humbled in my first attempts. I look at queries the same way. I've written stories since I was a child, but queries are different because they serve a different purpose. Learning the art of crafting a query is both frustrating and invigorating.
DeleteIn regards to the 3 most compelling sentences ever, do you mean for this particular story or for anything I've written?
I have a 3rd draft on my blog with this as the opening sentence "A strange, mournful wail trumpets from the nearby forest, disturbing eleven-year-old Andy Salazar’s imaginings of baseball games and monster movie marathons to come." Now that I read it I think I can leave his age out of the sentence. As you observed with the bicycle, the fact that he is dreaming of baseball games and monster movies is indicative of his age.
Enjoy the vacay and thank you for your guidance!
Okay, wow, what a change. I thought the first one was almost perfect, but then what do I know. You've seen mine.
ReplyDeleteStill, I really thought you were way ahead of the game. I think, and this is just me, a minion speaking that sometimes we are being bombarded by too many voices. I did some research online today and even among the experts -- what works, is different among all of them. I hear a query isn't a synopsis, and then you read, the second paragraph should be a short synopsis, then I read you need a hook as your first sentence, then I read no you don't, I read you start out in first person and end in third, oh my gosh, is it any wonder our heads are reeling. My suggestion and as I said, I too am one of those many, many voices. Go back to the first with the suggestions of the Super Villains and less of us, struggling ourselves--Minions.
Thank you so much for coming by today and giving me your opinion. I decided today to just let the comments come, and think about it all overnight before I even consider making a change. Otherwise, I'll be back at the beginning and spinning on a giant wheel I can only get off, if I jump!
Good luck! You are an excellent writer, and when this is done I have no doubt that your guery will sell you and your book!
Yeah, I am trying to navigate through the advice. A lot of people told me I need something to make my MC more sympathetic, which I tried to do with this effort. My latest super villain offered some great advice, but it seems like following it will take me back to my original query! I've done some research, too, and I think it's all about the individual agent. Some prefer the vague and intriguing while others want to know everything is going to work out. And, thank you for coming by! Like you, I leave the big ideas to the super villains, but if I notice an out of place word here or there I might offer my two cents. I think you've made great progress with your queries!
DeleteAnother minion, I liked the first query but the second one is better for me because it draws me into the story a little more. As to Yolanda's comments - I have been confused too by the helpful query writing articles that contradict each other.
ReplyDelete