Haunted Writing Clinic 4th draft (minor revisions)

I've made a few minor revisions based on the suggestions of the Minions and the awesome Courtney Young.  Thanks for all the help!

Dear Agent,

A strange, mournful wail trumpets from the nearby forest, disturbing eleven-year-old Andy Salazar’s imaginings of baseball games and monster movie marathons.  Accompanied by Rich, his wisecracking best friend, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed on the first day of summer to investigate.  Together, they unearth fragments of the town of Hamlin’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.

Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends endeavor to connect their discoveries to the town’s past.  Henry says a storm is coming, and the town elders look to the rumpled clouds with growing unease.  A mysterious murder, Hamlin’s first in decades, portends a series of baffling crimes.  Rumors swirl of a tattooed man and dog-faced boy stalking the streets.

 Hamlin is haunted by its secrets and time is running out. Andy must learn why the year 1934 is missing from the town’s history books, and how the buried artifacts connect to the bloodshed, the flood, and the elephant calls in the night.  With the help of his friends, Andy forces Hamlin to face its past and confront its restless dead.

The Last March of Elephants is a New Adult novel with coming of age and paranormal elements in the tradition of Stephen King’s It and Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life.  It clocks in at 90,000 words.  Although the protagonist and his friends are around eleven years old, the novel deals very much with adult themes.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

Haunted Writing Clinic 3rd draft Query

Dear Agent,

A strange, mournful wail trumpets from the nearby forest, disturbing eleven-year-old Andy Salazar’s imaginings of baseball games and monster movie marathons to come.  Accompanied by his wisecracking best friend, Rich, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed on the first day of summer to investigate.  The boys are surprised to find there the quiet, homeschooled girl from Rich’s neighborhood.  Together, they unearth fragments of the town of Hamlin’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.

Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends endeavor to connect their discoveries to the town’s past.  Henry says a storm is coming, and the town elders look to the rumpled clouds with growing unease.  A mysterious murder, Hamlin’s first in decades portends a series of baffling crimes.  Rumors swirl of a tattooed man and dog-faced boy stalking the streets.

 Hamlin is haunted by its secrets and time is running out. Andy must learn why the year 1934 is missing from the town’s history books, and how the buried artifacts connect to the bloodshed, the flood, and the elephant calls in the night.  With the help of his friends, Andy forces Hamlin to face its past and confront its restless dead.

The Last March of Elephants is a New Adult novel with coming of age and paranormal elements in the tradition of Stephen King’s It and Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life.  It clocks in at 90,000 words.  Although the protagonist and his friends are around eleven years old, the novel deals very much with adult themes.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

The Haunted Writing Clinic Day 2 Revision

I want to thank all the minions and my super villain for their feedback on my query.  Some of my mistakes seemed so obvious!  I would like to clarify, however, that the novel is thematically adult despite the age of the characters.  I've made some revisions and humbly offer my second query:

Dear Agent, 

Andy Salazar returns home the evening of the last day of sixth grade.  His father’s car is gone again and his mother likely went to bed early, sad and angry.  Still, there are books, baseball games, and monster movie marathons before him.  A sad, toneless wail erupts from the nearby forest, disturbing his pleasant thoughts.  Accompanied by his wisecracking best friend, Rich, Andy ventures to the dried riverbed the next day to investigate.  The boys are surprised to find Grace there, a quiet, homeschooled girl from Rich’s neighborhood.  Together, they begin to unearth fragments of a small town’s guarded history in the form of old, forgotten relics.

            Guided by the dapper dwarf known as King Henry, Andy and his friends strive to connect their discoveries to Hamlin’s past.  Storm clouds gather and the town elders look to the skies with something more than unease.  Amid the tempest Hamlin’s first murder in decades begins a trend of violence.  The floodwaters rise and Hamlin becomes a town haunted by its secrets.  Rumors circulate about a tattooed man and a dog-faced boy walking the streets at night.

            Andy finally learns why the year 1934 is missing from the town’s history books and why King Henry and Grace seem to understand the chaos.  With the help of his friends, Andy forces Hamlin to face its past and confront its restless dead. 

           

The Last March of Elephants is a New Adult novel with coming of age and paranormal elements in the tradition of Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life and Stephen King’s It.  It clocks in at 90,000 words.  Although the protagonist and his friends are around eleven years old, the novel deals very much with adult themes.  Thank you for your consideration.

The Last March of Elephants Query

Dear Villainous Agent, 

Andy Salazar guides the bicycle along the pathway to his home, the last day of sixth grade a fading memory, and hears the strange, mournful wail slice through the darkness like a dull blade. 

            With the help of his wise cracking best friend Rich, the beautiful and mysterious Grace, and a dapper dwarf named King Henry, Andy begins to unearth fragments of a small town’s guarded history.  Rain falls, drumming a ceaseless tattoo that beckons the bones of the restless dead, and Hamlin’s elders watch the skies with something more than unease.   

Rumors spread of a tattooed man walking the streets and elephant calls in the night. When Hamlin’s first murder in decades begins a trend of violence, Andy understands there will be more to his summer than bullies, baseball games, and first loves. 

As the floodwaters rise, will Andy and his friends discover the source of the chaos?  And, can they stop it?

The Last March of Elephants is NA/Upper YA novel of 90,000 words, in the tradition of Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life.