Tuesday 9 October 2012

The Last March of Elephants Query


Dear Villainous Agent, 

Andy Salazar guides the bicycle along the pathway to his home, the last day of sixth grade a fading memory, and hears the strange, mournful wail slice through the darkness like a dull blade. 

            With the help of his wise cracking best friend Rich, the beautiful and mysterious Grace, and a dapper dwarf named King Henry, Andy begins to unearth fragments of a small town’s guarded history.  Rain falls, drumming a ceaseless tattoo that beckons the bones of the restless dead, and Hamlin’s elders watch the skies with something more than unease.   

Rumors spread of a tattooed man walking the streets and elephant calls in the night. When Hamlin’s first murder in decades begins a trend of violence, Andy understands there will be more to his summer than bullies, baseball games, and first loves. 

As the floodwaters rise, will Andy and his friends discover the source of the chaos?  And, can they stop it?

The Last March of Elephants is NA/Upper YA novel of 90,000 words, in the tradition of Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life.

13 comments:

  1. This is an interesting query! I think the premise sounds interesting and I like the way you've written it!

    MY suggestion would be to end the query with a statement instead of a question.

    Best wishes this month during the clinic!
    Nice to meet you.
    Talynn

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    2. Thanks! I will remember your suggestion for my next attempt!

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  2. Jusr a minion here, but I do like the premise. This is something I would read. I do agree with Talynn about the end of the query. Good luck!

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  3. L P,

    Oh, I love the imagery! Excellent job, sorry but just another minion here. Still, I think it was great. But instead of "And, can they stop it" -- I would use, But, can they stop it? Just me, sure others know better.

    Good luck!

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  4. Hello!

    I'm just making the rounds and wanted to make a few suggestions on the query.

    1. This is a very interesting story idea you have here, but I think it might help to introduce Andy a bit more in the query. As it stands, we know virtually nothing about him, his motivations, or what makes him unique.

    2. I think you can up the stakes a little bit at the end. Instead of just leaving it open as to whether they can stop the chaos, you may want to tell us the bad things that could happen if the chaos is not stopped.

    3. I'm not sure that this is upper YA/NA, given that the MC is just finishing sixth grade. That's not to say it can't be an all-ages novel, or aimed at an older audience, but usually NA/upper YA are about characters in the age ranges of 17-24, and focuses on conflicts or themes relating to transitioning into adulthood. Agents/editors may have some difficulty reconciling the age of your MC with your age group classification. Also, is this contemporary? Historical? Fantasy? Magical realism?

    Overall, this sounds like a really intriguing premise filled with mystery. Great job!

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    1. Thank you for all of the advice! I will make some adjustments with the next query. In regards to #3, thematically, the book is geared towards an older audience, despite the age of the MC and his friends. I was thinking along the lines of "Stand by Me" or "It." It has some coming of age elements to it, and some salty language and imagery here and there. That's not to say a younger person couldn't enjoy it, but Andy and his friends definitely encounter some adult situations.

      Thanks again. Why does it seem harder to writer a query than a novel?

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  5. Ha ha! I agree with your comment. Why can we write 90,000 words and not be able to write a query. Probubly because we tell stories in 90,000 words instead of 250. I liked the idea of your story. The one troubling pt. I had was that your language was beautiful but I felt that you could take some of the poetic language out and give more descriptors of the main character. You have a very nice writing style.
    Good Luck

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    1. Thanks, Connie, I'm anxious to start my next query!

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  6. Hello for your friend neighborhood Super Villian. First of all, the back of the book blurb and the query are, in my opinion, hard to write than the book. Like the beginning of your book, your query needs a strong hook. I'm not sure you're there yet, but its a good start. I as read this I wasn't quite sure what this story was about. Was it about murders, floods, elephants roaming the streets…? Is it about a seemingly quiet town which suddenly becomes inundated with unexplained happenings and a six-year-old boy and his friends experiencing it?

    I suggest you focus on what the main conflict of the story and highlight that. I agree with storymultiverse who said Andy doesn't come across as unique. I'd highlight that in the hook of the query as well. Also I'd watch your grammar and if you can have someone proof read it for you. This is your calling card and it needs to be as close to perfect as you can get it. Like I said, it's a good start.

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    1. Hi Dawna, thanks for the thorough feedback! Could you help me isolate the grammatical errors? I had family members take a look and they came up empty...

      Thank you again for your time!

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  7. Hi, Minion making the rounds here. I love the evocative feel of your query and the idea of floods and elephants and murders somehow being connected. But I guess my main suggestion would be to clarify the mystery enough so that the plot/conflict seems clearer. I also thought the age of the MC wouldn't appeal to teenagers. Usually they want to read about someone older or the same age (which isn't to say that Harry Potter doesn't have very broad appeal). Good luck! Oh, and are the bloody banana peels connecting the murders with the elephants somehow?

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    1. Hi Rhiann! I am taking your advice and have made some changes for the next pitch. The story is thematically more adult than the ages of the MC and his friends would suggest. There are coming of age elements to it along the lines of Stephen King's "It" and "Stand By Me." And, Bloody Banana Peels is just the name of my blog...my lame attempt to combine horror and humor...

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